What's a virtual doula and why might I need one?

Becoming a mother doesn't have to define you, but it will mark you for the rest of your life

Yesterday, I spent the morning with a woman I doula’d for with both her babies. We were reflecting on her births; how different each was and the effect they had had on her sense of herself. She won’t mind me saying that she’s a classic Type A personality, with a high-powered job in one of the big consulting firms.

She hadn’t expected that motherhood would land on her like this. When I first met her, mid-pregnancy with her first child, she was approaching this as many of my clients do, as she would an important work project. A tonne of rapid knowledge acquisition, reading widely and doing her due diligence. She was being realistic, and layering her aspirations and anxieties with practicalities. She was sensibly developing new coping strategies.

But she had a problem. All the energy she was investing wasn’t quite cutting the mustard. Despite all the reading, and the group class and following on the socials, she still felt uncertain. She was about to enter an environment she was not at all familiar with, and wanted to retain not only control, but also her dignity and sense of self. Although there was a lot of accessible information, knitting it together meaningfully was eluding her. As bright and brilliant as she is, this was not something she could navigate alone. And so she invited me to support her for her first birth, and then, nearly three years later, her second. So why did this educated, smart, capable, determined and self-activated woman invite me in?

1. She wanted to be able to ask questions, explore the physical and emotional process, prepare fully.

2. She needed to talk her preparation and plans through, testing her ideas, challenging herself, siting her expectations in realities.

3. She wanted reassurance that she was covering all bases, and covering them wisely

4. She wanted to talk honestly about contingencies

5. She knew that a lot of what she saw online was polarised, and designed to be click-bait. She wanted credible and realistic insights.

6. When the time came, she wanted to be able to rely on someone she trusted. To be able to be vulnerable with someone, ask 'new mum' questions without feeling shut-down or minimised.

7. She didn’t know it then, but…. closing the loop is a really important process. Being able to talk about your birth, share it with other people who were there, celebrate it, laugh about it, have a little cry about it.... this is all important stuff.

8. She deserved to have someone bear witness to the incredible feat of bringing a new human into the world.

9. ...in other words, she needed all the support of a doula, but didn’t feel she needed a doula in the room with her.

Despite our contemporary hyper-rationalised world, birth continues to be much more than a rational, objective event. It’s a deeply personal, transformative human experience. Unfortunately, the maternity services we’ve inherited aren’t designed with that focus. They are designed to identify and escalate risk and potential harm. Having one eye on potential risk is sensible, as long as it comes with balance*. The problem we have is that there’s no room left for the humanity of the thing. Which rather leaves those of us who are feeling pregnancy (rather than observing it) a bit exposed.

Becoming a mother doesn’t have to define you, but it will mark you for the rest of your life. How positively you experience your birth, and how well you recover from it (however it happens) will impact not just but your whole family. You all deserve something more than is currently on offer. It’s not just that you deserve to have space and time to reflect on and prepare for motherhood, it’s that it’s your human right.

*The balance being; that looking solely at physical risk during labour and birth, without considering the whole woman, brings its own risks.

If you'd like Virtual Doula support that looks like this, get in touch at charlie@thegoodbirthpractice.co.uk

• An on-going WhatsApp group with your partner from booking

• Antenatal meetings to discuss birth planning and preparation

• On-call by WhatsApp voice and video call 24/7 from 39wks until your baby is born

• On-call WhatsApp from 7am to 9pm for two weeks after your baby is born

• A postnatal visit

• Resources, recommendations and guidance during the Fourth Trimester.